we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
