i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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