Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
