I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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