then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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