guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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