I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
