Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
