They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You are a genius and a whore.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
