I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it's great music for shaving your balls
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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