i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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