matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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