there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
