You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
