i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
