The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
