you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
