Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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