I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
