the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
