sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
