My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
