Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
