rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
