An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
