youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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