At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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