I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
