is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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