I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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