Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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