how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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