I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
