Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
