dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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