One girl and one boy is just not enough.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
