It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My ATM looks so different sober.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
