The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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