i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
