I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
