The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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