Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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