My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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