Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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