cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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