If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
