smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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