he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
