He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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