I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
