$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
This toilet bowl is my home.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
